ADHD and Some Other Stuff

Tips O the Day:

If you have ADHD or if you’re old, or if you’re old and have ADHD, never ever place your phone on the restaurant table. Just saying.

I was to give a talk on aging.  I spent an afternoon doing a lot of research and got a lot of information on a lot of pages.  I spent the next afternoon editing it down to only 84 pages. The next day I found two websites that covered everything I needed in three pages.


Step back and take a look from a distance before you plunge into a project.

Personal Notes O the Day:

The talk went quite well although I forgot three important things.

I don’t have any energy anymore so I don’t go to the gym anymore so I don’t have any energy anymore.

Just as I’ve gotten to where I can write legible cursive, no one reads cursive anymore.

I hate to see anything wasted.  I save things that I might use some day. I call this “saving.” My wife refers to it as “hoarding.”

I thought once I got the book published, I’d have lots of free time. Hah!  There are so many loose ends. 

 Maybe I am slipping?
I just punched my phone number into the microwave keyboard.


 Neurostimulation for ADHD

 ADHD Genes

Projects and Hyperfocus

Quote O the Day:
“Sometimes all you need for exceptional results is average effort repeated for an above-average amount of time.”

          James Clear

@addadultstrategies #ADHD #adultADHD #ADHDsupport

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ADHD and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria

Sometimes you don’t see something that’s right in front of your eyes; at least I don’t.

Rejection sensitivity dysphoria is a hot topic. It’s been found as another part of ADHD, like irritability (not in DSM, not part of the diagnostic criteria).  RSD means we tend to overreact when we feel rejected by someone. We get extra deeply hurt, and it lasts longer, and sometimes we see rejection when it’s not even there.

One of my issues has been that when some people get mad, they tend to blow up, and then they’re over it. When some people blow up at me, I get deeply wounded. A part of my heart is damaged, and it used to take me up to a week to get over it. Now, it doesn’t happen as often and it’s not as bad, and I usually get over it in an hour or two. But only recently did I realize that this was RSD!   


  1. I realize that they’re over it and it doesn’t really mean that they hate me forever.

2. I realize that it’s RSD and I don’t have to keep feeling wounded forever.

3. I can reach out to reestablish the connection, which they never even realized was damaged.

Questions of the Day:

  1. Anyone else share RSD?

2.  Do you recognize the process where you know about something, the definition or description of something, and yet you haven’t recognized it when it’s there? Weird.

Personal Notes of the Day:

  1. I was cussing too much and I didn’t like it, so I began cussing only in Japanese, which at least was an improvement. But now, I’m using Japanese for many things, not just cussing. It just seems to fit sometimes.

         2. I don’t know a single word of Japanese.

3.A lot of my cussing has been at Smashwords, which insists I put a table of contents in the new book, Managing Your ADHD. This is ridiculous since it contains almost four hundred tips, one page per tip.  A TOC would take over three pages and make no sense.  I’ve tried a number of work arounds and they haven’t accepted any.

 Shono hah fu nis he! Washa he wa he niho! Hahh!!

4. But Word get a little cussing too, because it won’t let me number and indent like I want.

Links: (clk)

ADHD  and Relationships? (Any relationship. Marriage seems increasingly rare.

RSD– (I do not recommend MAOIs for ADHD and I do recommend therapy, especially for RSD.)

“I Don’t Believe in ADHD”  etc.

ADHD, Genes, and Relationships – Melissa Orlvov

@dougADHD #ADHD #ADHD #rejection

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From an article by Thomas E Brown, PhD, a credible ADHD expert.  He points out that the DSM does not cover all the aspects of ADHD

But it is not intended to.  DSM sets of criteria are only designed to have aspects that will sort out one disorder from  all others. They work like a sieve.

Dr. Brown  (slightly edited):

–which include “a complex syndrome of impairment of brain functions essential for self management; the executive functions of the brain. Impacting motivation and prioritizing for task, focusing and shifting focus as needed, managing sleep and alertness, sustaining effort, modulating emotions, self monitoring actions, regulating processing speed, and utilizing working memory to keep information in mind while attending to multiple tasks.

Whew! I fear he is correct about this.  It’s amazing that we can function at all.

ADHD is highly heritable. ADHDers typically have delays of two or more years in development of specific areas of the brain that support executive function. There is also weakness of connection between regions of the brain and different patterns of cortical thinning. ADHD may appear in childhood, but for some the symptoms are not apparent until they encounter higher education, employment, or other challenges of adult life.

There’s new focus on difficulty in monitoring and managing emotions, with impulsive      and/or excessive reactions to frustration, anger, discouragement, anxiety, rejection, and other emotions. (Especially new focus on rejection- RSD. I’m highly sensitive to it.)

ADHDers are less likely to complete high school or higher education or to have skilled occupations.  We are more likely to have substance abuse and difficulty staying in a job.

 Here are some other findings (not Dr. Brown’s):

ADHD children should not be started in school too early.

Stimulant medication tends to move the brain findings towards normal and are helpful in over 70% of ADHDers. It is recommended after age five.

We have a high frequency of comorbid conditions.

Oh, well. 

The good news is that with medications, strategies, coaching, and therapy, many of us do quite well, thank you (Your Life Can Be Better).


Conversation O the Day:

Me: (a little levity)

Wife: (her reaction; not entirely positive.)

Me: Well, I thought it was funny.

Wife:  Well, no one else would.

Me: Weird!

Wife: Exactly.  Weird.

Lament O the Day:

I understand that my spellcheck can’t be expected to get every word right, but why is its default usually profanity?

Personal Notes O the Day:

After a long hard struggle, I finally got the book published on Amazon/KDP. I couldn’t get any help from them.  After it was published, they sent congratulations and a phone number I could call if I needed any help.

Quotes O the Day:

  1. Ain’t that just life?
  • Experience is the comb you get after you’re bald.


DSM Criteria for ADHD (and some pet peeves)

ADHD Hypersensitivity

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Persistence, Not Willpower, with ADHD

Persistence requires some willpower, which we ADHDers tend to be a little short on. (Hah!) But strategies help: committing, locking yourself in, small steps. And a dash of stubbornness helps too.

It took me two years to write the book, which is about average for me.
Then comes the hard part, formatting and getting a cover. I’ve tried to do those things before and it was a close call between finishing or winding up in a padded cell. So I found some good helpers who wouldn’t break the bank.

Once formatted and with a cover, I turned to Amazon’s KDP program to publish. I knew this would be difficult, but it was way beyond my expectations. Argggghhh!!!!

One challenge after another. Finally, I got stuck.  KDP people used to help.  Not anymore! Most of the responses to my cries for help resulted in what looked like AI picking a keyword and sending a canned response that had nothing to do with my question.

Fortunately, my formatter has been helping with this, and although he’s also had difficulty, we’re getting close. This publishing process may be a weeklong project.  I’m getting a headache.

Still, we will persist, it will get published, and it will be good. And my headache will go away.

Quotes O the Day:

Anything worth doing is probably going to be a lot harder than you expected.”


“If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably not paying attention.”

          A cynic

Strategies:  Make sure your project is worth doing, commit and don’t look back, lock yourself in and use all your strategies. Get help. And persist.

PS: BUT WAIT!  THERE’S MORE!  I wrote this lament yesterday.  Today it was published on Amazon KDP!!!!! Whoooopeeee!!!!!  Took just three days.  Headache gone!



Previous Saga (You’d think I’d learn!)

How to Write A Book (or maybe do any project?)


Just Do A Little

Do A Big Project

Be Productive Even with ADHD

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ADHD Questions

Some questions I get:

“If I talk to myself, does that mean I’m crazy?”

Answer: I certainly hope not.  I do it all the time.

“ What is the long-term effect of stimulant medication on the brain?”

Answer: It changes the brain towards normal.

“What is a natural product that will really help with my ADHD.”

Answer: Probably none.

“Will the medicine change my child’s personality or change him into a zombie?

Answer: Where did you get these strange ideas?  Be careful of conspiracy theories, too.

“Is it OK if I double my medication dose?”

Answer: Why in the world are you asking total strangers on the net instead of your doctor?

“What is the cure for ADHD?”

Answer: Are you kidding?


The ADHD Brain

The ADHD Brain 2

Myths Of ADHD

Recommendation O the Day:

Take the time to learn all you can about ADHD, but keep your BS meter on high.

Personal Notes O the Day:

Maybe I’ll post more about the BS?

The book may actually be actually published this actual month.        (Today is April 4, not April’s fool.)

I plan to lay off writing for a while and see what life is like with that extra time.


Posted in add, adhd, controversies, controversy, educate yourself, educate yourself, medication, medicine, medicine | Tagged , , , , | 8 Comments

A New Treatment for ADHD, Finally

For years, research on ADHD has been only confirming things we already knew. Some new medications are on the market, mostly variations on the old ones so they can get a new patent. Meanwhile, we’ve had a shortage of stimulant medications.

But now there’s something new, TMS. This is not actually new; it was first approved by the FDA in 2008 for treating depression and is increasingly used for many different conditions, including adult ADHD. TMS consists of applying magnetic coils to the outside of the head to induce electrical currents at certain spots in the brain.

The following are my impressions.  I haven’t researched this deeply. I’ll spare you my excuses and provide links you can follow as deeply as you wish.

Treatment takes 5 sessions a week of 30 to 60 minutes for 2 to 6 weeks. Results are positive in at least over 60%, with minimal side effects. Costs range from $6000 to $12000 per course. There is good insurance coverage for depression but it’s less likely for ADHD.

I would love comments from anyone who’s tried TMS or knows more about it.


Personal Notes O the Day

If you have forgotten your password, no problem, you can just reset it. All you have to do is enter your old password (the one you’ve forgotten) and then your new one and you’re good to go. Oh well.”

My spellcheck doesn’t work well.  OK, but why are most default values obscenities?  My last goof though was saying, “New line, thanks, doug.”  Spell check wrote “You are dumb.”   Fortunately, I read it before hitting send, a good strategy.

While I was writing this, my lovely wife graciously brought me a delicious cup of coffee.  I promptly spilled it all on my desk. Could Apple somehow be behind this, like revenge for the above?




TMS 3 Possible Side Effects

rTMS-the same thing as TMS?

Deep TMS

Home Stimulator – Warning: sound a little fishy to me

Stimulant Shortage Adderal

Stimulant Shortage   Ritalin, et al

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An Almost Truism For ADHD

I’ve written this before but today I have new examples and the principle is so important it’s worth repeating.(And I’m proud of myself for solving these problems.)

If you can identify something as A Problem and not just life, you can find a solution.  This isn’t one hundred percent true, but it’s an extremely useful belief.   There is no shortage of Problems, and we can make our lives better.

I need to remove my Daytrana skin patch (Ritalin) by two PM or I’ll have trouble sleeping. I tried all kinds of tricks to remember to take it off and none of them worked well.  If I set my alarm for two pm, my mind would say, “Oh, I need to turn off the alarm” and nothing about the patch.  Then I discovered that Alexa not only will tell me when it’s time to “Take off your patch”  but also sends that text to the alarm when I turn it off.  Problem: Solution.

My wading suit has built-in stocking feet. Then the boots go on over them.  It used to take me 45 minutes to get the suit and boots on and often I had to call for help.  Then I discovered that if I pulled the suit on by grabbing it lower on the leg and used a long-handled shoe horn for the boots, I could do it all without help in less than ten minutes.   Problem:  Solution.

I place my glasses and phone on my bedside table at night but I had trouble finding them in the dark and I’d noisily knock things over. Then I realized that if I put them in the same places near the front of the table every time, it was easy to get them, even in the dark.  Duh!  Problem: Solution.

Personal Notes O the Day:

One: I was so excited by the first 75 pages of the book, Coming Alive, by Michels and  Stutz, that I impulsively recommended it.  The Part X concept was immediately very helpful to me and has continued to be.  Then it had a weird imaging tool to cope with Part X.  This was a little helpful, but you need practice to make it work well. I have been practicing a little.

Further on, the book gets increasingly weird.  But the first part helped, so I intend to go further but not until I master the first part.

Two: I thought that when I finished writing Managing Your ADHD I’d have lots of free time   Hah!

The book is now in the hands of the formatter and the cover person.

Three: Some people start each morning with a mantra, like “ I’ll be happy today” or “I’ll be kind to someone today.”

My morning mantra is, “ I’m finally going to get organized. Tomorrow.”

Links:     My new enthusiasm, meditating

Did it again!

ADHD Meds Are Hard to Find

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Five Truisms

These are not all 100% true, but your life will go better if you act as though they are.

  1. It will always take longer than you thought.
  2. Anything that can go wrong, will.
  3.  If they didn’t ask for your advice, they don’t want it.
  4.  Write it down. You will not remember it.
  5. Every problem has a solution.

Alert of the week:

Many of our generic and over the counter medications are manufactured in India.  There are reports of unsanitary labs and contaminants there and apparently a few deaths.  I don’t think this is a hoax.  So read the label.

Personal Notes O the Day:

  1. I think Word would be very useful if I could just get rid of the demons.
  1. I think the new ADHD book will be published at the end of March.        I think.    Maybe.  I hope.
  1. I’m reading Coming Alive based on a totally different approach to therapy, from a unique psychiatrist, Phil Stutz. I made a commitment to fully try the techniques (very unusual for me to do this) and by page 75 I’ve already made some significant change.  Wow!

Quote O the Day

Trust everyone, and always shuffle the deck.



Coming Alive  the book

Tech Challenged

More Tech Challenged

Murphy’s Law









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ADHD and Meditation? Really??

Stress and ADHD feed each other in a typical feedback loop. Meditation can reduce the stress and possibly help directly with ADHD symptoms. With ADHD, meditation is not easy.

I practice a simple form. I sit comfortably, preferably quietly, and pay attention to my bodily sensations and thoughts, and then turn my focus to my breathing. As my mind jumps again to other things, I notice them but don’t follow them and then I return my attention to my breathing.

Before I start, I guess how much time I can spend meditating and set my timer for that. If I fall short or run over, either is fine, but my mind is not wondering about the time while I’m trying to meditate.

I try to meditate daily, at a regular time, and I’m getting better at it although part of the trick is to not judge how I’m doing.

If you try it and stick with it, without judging, you will find it helpful although difficult. 


Personal Notes O the Day:

My wife and I are two different people, and therefore its not surprising that we have some different standards. She, for example, believes that beds should be made every single day  and  she does not like to eat off of plates that are not clean.

The new book, Managing Your ADHD, is probably coming out in April. Probably. Maybe. Hopefully. Who knows?


Dali Lama, etc.

Coping with Stress

been there, done that. not good

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Word vs ADHD

Microsoft Word is a wonderful application and a royal pain in the neck. It has many tricks, both good and bad, many traps and many benefits. The learning curve for me has been very steep, and continues to be.

I made a rule to write at least five pages when I first turn on my computer in the morning, and this is becoming a habit. And once I start, I usually go ahead and do more pages. So every day, no matter what, I have at least gotten that much done.

The more important part is I don’t have to keep relearning the intricacies of Word when I miss a few days. So the book is coming along. I am hopefully looking to publish at the end of March. Hooray!

I hope.


Identify a problem- I’m struggling with Word

Make a strategy- use it every day

Make that a rule – first thing every morning

Make that a habit – first thing every morning, automatically.  The anchor is turning on the computer.

Also- plug away in small steps and you eventually get there.

Personal Note O the Day:

I’m also struggling with Facebook and WordPress, more steep learning curves, but let’s focus on one problem at a time – the Rule of One.

Second Personal Note O the Day:

I had scheduled to do this blog tomorrow, but here it is now! I am a day ahead of schedule. A rare and wonderous thing. Feels good!




Using Technology to Outsmart ADHD

Off my med.
Posted in add, ADD problems or symptoms, ADD strategies, adhd, ADHD problems, ADHD strategies, dysfunctions, tips | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment

A Woodworker’s Approach to ADHD (mostly)

My wife said I should write about the most recent disaster, but no, I’m not going to describe the incident where I merely sat down on the sofa next to the bowl of popcorn and somehow it ‘exploded’ and the popcorn went, as my wife says “everywhere.” We sure had a good time trying to get it all up, not.


Don’t sit down next to popcorn?

That seems just too trivial; I want to share something profound from James Clear:

Charles Hayward, a cabinet maker and editor of The Woodworker magazine, offers some advice on how to succeed in woodworking (and in life):

“One thing is certain: that, even though the craft is a lifetime’s study, the application of a few simple principles will assuredly bring success in woodworking. In the first place, never start a job until you know precisely how you are going to do it. Pass its construction step by step through your mind, so that you may hit upon the snags and mentally smooth them out.

Don’t work hurriedly. Your very keenness may prompt you to rush, but to do so is fatal. Curb your desire to see the thing finished, and always concentrate intently upon the particular bit of the job you have in hand.

In all you do be accurate. No measurement, no cut, no squaring, should be “near enough.” It must be right. For often one inaccuracy becomes the seed of others, and reproduces trouble as the work proceeds.

Finally, don’t worry about an honest mistake. Ponder the reason for it and so learn from it. Progress at your own speed from simple job to something more difficult, but never force the pace. At the same time, be just as ambitious as your previous work warrants.”

Source: The Woodworker 

Note: This quote lightly edited for clarity.

Think about how we can apply this (it won’t be easy).



Various Articles

My Crusades

Personal Note O the Day:

My wife says that things happen when I’m around.  

Karma? Or ADHD?

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error correction

last post Cindy’s Comment

it should read that diagnosis of ADHD should NOT take more than one or two sessions.

I’ve tried to correct the post, but it didn’t work everywhere.


Posted in adhd | Leave a comment

A Comment from Cindy

This is a different perspective, helping people understand that maybe they don’t have ADHD.


Doug,You nailed it. I’ve found others just can’t comprehend what it means unless they have ADHD as well. I’m kind of sick of friends saying (with sincerity) they must also have it because of whatever. Not saying they don’t but I explain to them that being overwhelmed with life can also cause a person (who doesn’t have ADHD) to have a few ADHD symptoms until they get their life back in balance. No one believes me, though. So, I then encourage them to see a specialist (stressing that they should pick a mental health professional that specializes in ADHD) to assess and diagnose them. It’s in their best interest and it helps them understand what all this really means. I suspect some are just convinced if they got a prescription, they’re life would revert back to normal for them. This is another thing they never believe me on (when they ask me about meds) – truth is meds are a tool but not a solution. It’s a lifelong condition due to (basically) the way our brains are wired. We have periods in our lives where the symptoms become mild and years when they get unmanageable. Usually because our brain is overwhelmed by chronic pain, major life stressors, or just trying to exist in today’s world. But it never just disappears forever. Thank you for those strategies.

Advisory Note O the Day:

Diagnosis should not take more than one or two sessions, and does not require imaging, genetic testing, or neuropsychological testing, and should not be extremely expensive.

Personal Notes O the Day:

Managing Your ADHD is coming along.  And I got a good cover from Phyllis Ngo.  Working on formatting.  Maybe the end of March?

Quote O the Day;

If 100 is the average IQ, then half of the population is below that. Think about it.



Diagnosis – more

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Happy New Year, even with ADHD

Welcome to the new year, to you and to your ADHD, which certainly came along with you.

If you can, read the NY Times opinion piece from

Nicholas Kristof  12/31/2022: Summary:  The world is in terrible shape.  The world is improving – there are advances in clean energy, the troublesome essential batteries, vaccines for various diseases, treatments for cancer, and childhood mortality.  The world desperately needs to continue to improve.

I’ve been reading lots about New Year’s resolutions and why we can’t keep them. There are many reasons:  we expect it to be easy to change, distractions, our situation changes after we make them, and many more.  The strategies suggested are the same as the ones I recommend:  make sure you really want to do it, think small and realistically, small steps, turn it into a contest or a game, make it fun, use rewards, etc.

Question O the Day: Are you sure you really need to improve?  Maybe you’re good enough just the way you are.

Personal Note O the Day:

I’ve made a habit of editing five pages early every morning.  This is easy, doesn’t take long, and leaves the work up on my computer screen where it’s easy to resume later.  Plus I often do more than five pages once I get started.  So Managing Your ADHD is coming along. Now I’m searching for a formatter. 


Recent Washington Post Headline:

“How to Cure and Prevent a Hangover”

My Response:

How to Cure:  very difficult

How to Prevent: Duh!

Self Esteem with ADHD
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A New Year with ADHD – What could go wrong?

There’s not a lot new from 2022, other than transcranial magnetic stimulation. This treatment is done by placing electrodes on the scalp. It takes treatments 5 times a week, for 4-8 weeks and is at least somewhat effective for ADHD.  I don’t know the cost or if it is covered by insurance, but it can be done at home. (see Links below)

 2022 studies confirm previous ones:

Methylphenidate ( Ritalin) does not improve performance for vanillas (non ADHDers).

“But with no significant improvement in overall performance, all drugs were associated with a significant reduction in efficiency.” (David Cogill, MD, PhD)  This study included modafinail, a “wakefulness-promoting drug.”

80% – 87% of adults with ADHD have at least one comorbid psychiatric condition:

depression 60%, substance abuse 57%, anxiety 56%.

28% respond best to amphetamines, 16% best to methylphenidate, and 41% an equal response to either stimulant.  Thus in the Adderal shortage, 57% will do fine on methylphenadte (Ritalin).

Best Strategy for Making New Years Resolutions: 


A Compliment for 2022 As It Exits: 

Well, it wasn’t as bad as 21.

Personal Note O the Day: 

I hate to see anything wasted.  I save things that I might use some day.

I call this “saving.”

My wife refers to it as “hoarding.”





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ADHD and the Holidays – A bad mix?

Happy holidays!

Happy holidays????

Happy holidays!  Arghhhhhhh!!!!!

OK, are you clear now that it’s pretty normal not to enjoy the holidays, and probably more so with ADHD.  It’s just all too much.

There are so many blog posts on how to handle the stress that I won’t really go into that and I’ll just post some links below.  They all seem pretty much the same.

My Holiday Tip O the Day:

Make taking care of yourself your top priority and don’t feel pressured to do things that are gonna mess you up.  Well, you will feel pressured, but just don’t do them.  Do things the easy way, not the great way or the expected way.

My gift to you:

Extra memes – enjoy

Personal Notes o the Day:

        I find the holidays pretty stressful.

        Managing Your ADHD  is in  the nineth draft.  I think the tenth will get published.  But when?  Just be patient please.

Best wishes




Relationships can be especially stressed during the holidays

Holidays and stress

Even more stress

Oh, Well.

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Living with ADHD

I appreciate the great comments.  They motivate me to keep posting.  In case you missed it, I’m using Cindy’s comment for this post.

Cindy Bahl says:

November 8, 2022 at 8:22 pm (Edit)

You nailed it. I’ve found others just can’t comprehend what it means unless they have ADHD as well. I’m kind of sick of friends saying (with sincerity) they must also have it because of whatever. Not saying they don’t but I explain to them that being overwhelmed with life can also cause a person (who doesn’t have ADHD) to have a few ADHD symptoms until they get their life back in balance. No one believes me, though. So, I then encourage them to see a specialist (stressing that they should pick a mental health professional that specializes in ADHD) to assess and diagnose them. It’s in their best interest and it helps them understand what all this really means. I suspect some are just convinced if they got a prescription, they’re life would revert back to normal for them. This is another thing they never believe me on (when they ask me about meds) – truth is meds are a tool but not a solution. It’s a lifelong condition due to (basically) the way our brains are wired. We have periods in our lives where the symptoms become mild and years when they get unmanageable. Usually because our brain is overwhelmed by chronic pain, major life stressors, or just trying to exist in today’s world. But it never just disappears forever.
Thank you for those strategies. Very well articulated and I’ll sure to pass them along to others.
Doug, thanks again for an amazing blog.

ADHD film – this is what it’s like

Thank you, Cindy!

Quote O the Day:

Marriage, childbirth, ADHD – you had to have been there.


More Links:

A Typical ADHD Day

ADHD and the Holidays

“ADHD Does Not Exist”

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Merry Christmas and Happy Hannukah, etc. (even with ADHD)

Please don’t feel sorry for me, but I have had better days.

I had my day pretty well organized for a change, but:

I had to try to clear up a unauthorized charge on my credit card.

Martha‘s laptop was infected with a repeating scam message.

Documents from my job were messed up.

Martha was struggling with very hard daily crossword puzzle.

Strategy:  expect the unexpected.

Message on the doctor’s answering machine:

“If this is an emergency call 911.
Otherwise, suck it up.”

Quote O the Day

“It’s always something.”

Rosanna Rosannadanna (Gilda Radner)

Personal Note O the Day:

I think I have all my Christmas shopping done.

I think.


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ADHD Medicines – A Warning!

Warning: in this situation of Adderall shortage, some pharmacists are filling prescriptions with formulations of the medication other than that prescribed, and sometimes without notifying the doctor or the patient. The patient may begin to get new side effects or less efficiency without understanding why. Always check the label on your prescription.

At least 57 % of adult ADHDers will respond as well to methylphenadite (Ritalin et al) as to the amphetamines (Adderal et al), so maybe you can just try switching.

Added Information O the Day:

Checking the label and the pills is a good idea for any prescription.

Generic forms of any medication are almost always cheaper than the brand names (methylphenidate, Ritalin).  They are supposed to be just as good and usually are, but not always.  For example, they may contain the same medication but a different filler which can affect the rate of absorption.  Further, the generic versions may be different from different companies.  Pharmacies often change the company they are dispensing from to obtain the lowest price, and you may have problems from that change.  Fortunately, these various difficulties are uncommon.


Quotes O the Day:

If I did all the things I’m supposed to do for my health I wouldn’t have time to do anything else.

Doug (tired and in a negative mood)

“It’s always something.”
Rosanna Rosanna Danna

Questions O the Day:

Or was it Rosanna Rosannadana?

Or Roseanne Roseannadanna

Or does it matter?  How much time do I need to spend researching this question?


Adderall Shortage

ADHD Medicines

More Adderall Shortage

Posted in adhd | 17 Comments

Understanding ADHD

You just have to experience it for yourself:
   1. Marriage
   2. Childbirth
   3. ADHD

Some people don’t believe ADHD exists.  Some people think we can just try harder, or drink lots of cabbage juice, or watch where we put our feet, or or or —.

The supply of advice and opinions about ADHD from people who don’t have it is enormous;    the demand is quite small.

Trying to convince someone whose mind is made up is like trying to give medicine to a dead man.

Some people are toxic.


  1. Learn all you can about ADHD.  Become an expert.
  2. Keep your BS indicator set on high sensitivity.
  3. Keep identifying problems and making strategies.
  4. Be kind to yourself
  5. Avoid toxic people.

Quote O the Day:

Being a grown-up is not all it’s cracked up to be.

            An ADHDer

Where was I when the executive functions were being passed out?

Posted in adhd | 11 Comments

An ADHD Melange

I hope you’re reading the comments; they are often better than the post. They make my day, inform me,  and encourage me to keep posting.  I love the comments.

Observation O the Day:

Some days just come unraveled.

Conversation O the Day:

Q: How ever did you manage to drop your phone into the toilet?

A: Well, it requires a certain amount of skill and a good bit of luck.

Quote O the Day:

I’m so far behind that I’m about to catch up with myself and it could look like I’m ahead.

Definition O the Day:


a mixture; a medley:

“a melange of tender vegetables and herbs”


mixture · medley · blend · variety · mixed bag · mix · miscellany · diversity · collection · selection · assortment · assemblage · combination · motley collection · pot-pourri · conglomeration · jumble · mess · confusion · mishmash · 

Book Note O the Day:

I just signed up to get a professional cover.  This was way premature but I was concerned and eager and have no patience.  I’m excitedly waiting to see it.  The new working title is Managing ADHD.  Do you like this or is Managing Your ADHD better or do you have another suggestion?  Comments will be most appreciated.

Links O the Day:


Free Program


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Screwed Up Again

OK, I did it again and my wife says my excuse of not thinking and then apologizing is getting old.

I scheduled something on top of something routine I’m supposed to do with her, and it was going to be hard to reschedule it.

I said I’d try to be more careful.  She wasn’t impressed.

Suddenly the light bulb went on!!!  We’re scheduled to take groceries to the church on the 2nd  and 4th Friday every month and I’d just scheduled taking our priest fishing on the 4th Friday.  I hadn’t noticed the conflict.  But!! – I suddenly realized the strategy – put it in my appointment book for each of those dates!  All the way thru December.  No more problem.

The thing is, I used to do that and somehow I’d stopped.

The principle:  once we find something that works, the next thing we do is stop doing it.

Quotes O the Day:

“If I can’t see it, it doesn’t exist.”
One of my favorite quotes.

“It can’t all be in the front.”
One of my wife’s favorite quotes, regarding the refrigerator.


Executive functioning

Delusional Optomism

Next apology O the Day:

Last post I put a link to a great post from James Clear and later saw that it didn’t work and I couldn’t find it to replace it and now I can’t figure out how to correct something once it’s posted anymore.  Working on that.  I tested these two links and think they work ( I hope.)


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Just Do a Little

 I’m on the eighth draft of the new book, doing grammar and spell checking with Grammarly, the grammar and spell checking app. Tedious. Grammarly keeps wanting me to put commas in. I see no point in adding a comma unless it helps make the sentence clearer so I rebel. But overall Grammarly is very helpful. I wish I’d used it on my previous books.  It’s amazing that you can read the same sentence ten times and not see the error.

My guess is it’s the 10th draft that will get published, but I’m not guessing when. I think I have a really good idea for the cover, and I need to start working on that.
Keep plugging away. Try to do some every day, and usually once I get started I keep going for a while. No pressure, no rush, but I would like to get it finished. (You realize that this is a good strategy for lots of tasks? Just commit to doing a little and then see what happens.)


Grammarly is also much more fond of hyphens than I am. 


Wisdom from James Clear

Small Steps




ADHD is not easy.
ADHD is not easy.
I really meant to post this post in time.
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ADHD and Clumsy


I’ve always been clumsy, uncoordinated.

When I’m putting a clean dish up on the shelf, I often hit the edge of the dish on the shelf. It’s the same if I’m taking a dish off the shelf; I’ll hit it on the shelf or on another dish.

When I reach for a glass, I often nearly knock it over rather than grasping it.

This seems to be a difficulty with spatial perception. It could be that with the bad eye I have no depth perception, but also with ADHD miswiring, and the basal ganglia and cerebellum are involved in making smooth movements. Clumsiness is often associated with ADHD.

It’s always something.

Strategy: be aware of these specific problems, the dish, the glass, and learn to be extra cautious at that time. This is not the same as “be more careful!“ , but needs to be aimed at small specific problems in order to have any effect.

Personal Notes O the Day:

I’m still trying to remember how to do the images on these posts.




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Weight Control? Control??

I have reached a goal!
I’ve wanted to get my weight down to 166 pounds for years and only occasionally came close. Now, I got it.
The trick of course, is to keep it off. Weight is easy to put on,  very hard to lose and much much harder to keep off. I will try to stick to my program but that hasn’t been that effective so far.
For this accomplishment, I have to give credit to Covid. I haven’t lost my sense of taste thank goodness, but I’ve had no appetite at all. So that’s a side benefit of Covid. It’s effective for weight loss, but I do not recommend it.
It will be interesting to see if I can keep it off now.


Weight 1

Weight 2

Weight 3

Weight 4


I’m way out of practice on this posting thing.  It’s complicated.  Hopefully, it’ll come back to me.

Nearly done on draft seven of the new book.  Starting to worry about getting a good cover.

Quote O the Day:

Nothing’s every easy.


Posted in adhd | 4 Comments

ADHD Doesn’t Stop

In case you’re wondering, yes, I do still have ADHD. Recent examples:I knocked the laptop off the table top. It didn’t break, but the plug for the adapter did.

I needed to order a new adapter. When it came, it was the wrong size.  I blame the ad..I need to order the right size, and send in the wrong one for a refund. More hassle.

I am editing draft seven of the new ADHD book, intermittently. Each time I restart, I need to relearn the tricks for making word to work right. More about that later

Strategies: listen to the little voice.If it’s important, read it carefully instead of skimming.If you will need to remember it, write it down.




Maybe I could use a little help?
ADHD at work

ADHD is not easy.
ADHD is not easy.
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An Update

My friends – I hope you’re still my friends. I miss you.

I gave up the blog, and poker, chess, and Spanish because I just didn’t have enough time and my life felt over pressured and out of control. And I gave up writing on the new book. I became obsessed with fishing, and I’ve learned a lot about new techniques and I started catching more fish. That was great.

Then the New Mexico fires came and fishing has been almost impossible, nowhere to fish within a reasonable distance. I was grieving; still am.

But, I now have time available that I’d been spending fishing and I’ve restarted the book and Spanish.

I plan to post an occasional blog here, not on any schedule so I won’t feel any pressure.

There are several ADHD strategies implied in this posst if you want to dig them out.

best wishes, and keep living well

hasta luego


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ADHD Key Points — ADHD Tip O the Day 1000

Just a few of the key ADHD points.  There are so many, so many ways to make our lives better, so that we are managing our ADHD and it’s not in control.Sadly, this is my last post. I want to leave you all with some key points to remember that will be helpful to you.Science:

  1. Science is not perfect, but it’s better than anything else.
  2. Correlation is not causation.
  3. Unproven is not proven not.
  4.  One scientific study does not prove anything.


  1. Your ADHD is not your fault. It is not a weakness or a moral flaw.ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder that you were born with.
  2. But you are responsible for educating yourself about ADHD, seeking appropriate help, and learning how to cope.
  3. If it is expensive or promises a cure, avoid it.
  4.  Many professionals do not understand ADHD, and many of them do not know they do not understand.
  5. Everyone deserves a trial of medication, which works for 80% of people with ADHD. If you get any side effects, they can usually be managed; if not, they will go away when you stop it.
  6. Genetic testing to decide on medication and brain imaging to diagnose ADHD are not yet ready for clinical use.
  7. Living Well with ADHD should be coming out in about a year (“should be”).
  8. Your Life Can Be Better.I will occasionally post something about ADHD on my Facebook page,      and probably will post there and here about the new book as it gets ready     I appreciate your comments and support over the years and wish you the best of luck.


Grumble O the Day:

For some reason, it seems you now need to clik the view button to see the full comments.  Technology- ugh!  But it’s worth it.


All about ADHD

You don’t believe in AHD.  Really???

First Tip O the Day


Bye bye, now.


Your Life Can Be Better

Untreated ADHD

The End.










#ADHD, #adultADHD, @dougmkpdp,  @addstrategies, @adhdstrategies
Posted in add, ADD problems or symptoms, ADD strategies, adhd, adhd controversies, ADHD problems, adhd science, ADHD strategies, adhd studies, controversies, controversy, controversy, controversy, diagnosis, educate yourself, educate yourself, medication, medication, medicine, medicine, research, science, stimulants, strategies, tips | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments

Decrease the Pressure – ADHD Tip O the Day 999

With my ADHD, I tend to feel pressured all the time.  I don’t like that. I work to avoid that feeling.

1. Limit your to-do list to five items.

2. Cut everything into small steps.

3. Spread your tasks out.

4. Ask “Is this necessary?”  If so, is it urgent?

Additional Tidbits O the Day:

20% of ADHDers hoard.

Other comorbidities:

depression, anxiety, dyslexia, dyspraxia (clumsiness), insomnia,bipolar,dyscalcula, dystechnologica, rejection sensitive dysphoria. Just to name a few.

(meaning, I think, these occur often along with ADHD, and more often than in vanillas.)

A miswired brain is a miswired brain.


Writer Doris Lessing on how to choose what to read:

“There is only one way to read, which is to browse in libraries and bookshops, picking up books that attract you, reading only those, dropping them when they bore you, skipping the parts that drag – and never, never reading anything because you feel you ought, or because it is part of a trend or a movement. Remember that the book which bores you when you are twenty or thirty will open doors for you when you are forty or fifty-and vise versa. Don’t read a book out of its right time for you.”

Source: The Golden Notebook


How to change a habit

Strategies and habits




Quotes O the Day:

“You can’t go wrong with flowers, gold, or diamonds.”

my wife

“Bigger pile, smaller shovel.”

Someone who is getting older.

Personal note O the Day:

This is my next to last post.  I’m trying to think of what to post for Tip number 1000.  It ought to be special, spectacular.  I considered posting a nude selfie but my wife said she didn’t think it would go over well.

Too Much Pressure!


Ha ha ha!


Short Term Goals


The ADHD Mind












#ADHD, #adultADHD, @dougmkpdp,  @addstrategies, @adhdstrategies
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More ADHD Research and Etc.— ADHD Tip O the Day 998

On ADHD and relationships, medications, comorbidity, statistics, and etc.: 

My wife said I should post about the most recent disaster, but no, I’m not going to describe the incident where I merely sat down on the sofa next to the bowl of popcorn and somehow it ‘exploded’ and the popcorn went, as my wife says “everywhere.” We sure had a good time trying to get it all up, not.

Tip:  Don’t sit down next to popcorn?

More Damn Statistics:

8% of children have ADHD. Half of those no longer meet criteria after adolescence, but will still have some symptoms and some brain abnormalities, which have moved towards normalized. So 4% of adults have ADHD, ie.  meet criteria.

8% of people with ADHD have bipolar. 16% of people with bipolar also have ADHD (fortunately and surprisingly, treating these people with stimulants does not appear to be unstabilizing for their bipolar). Can we calculate how many ADHDers have both? Can we calculate what percentage of the population have both? (Actually, not “we,” but “you”.  I can’t.  Plus, note that these percents vary in different studies.)

40% of ADHDers do well on either methylphenidate or amphetamines. 40% will do well on one but not on the other. 20% will not do well on either but might respond to a non-stimulant medication, which tend to be less effective than the stimulants. (If someone does not do well on stimulants, I always want to recheck the diagnosis.)

To illustrate combinations, as discussed in the previous post:
You have an apple, a pear, and an orange. You say I may have any two of them.
I could choose an apple and a pear, or an apple and an orange, or a pear and an orange. Three possible combinations out of a group of three.

OK, we’re all clear on that now. Right?


Personal Note O the Day:

I always wanted to be on the fast track, and now, finally, I am.
I just never realized that the fast track runs downhill.

My wife says that things happen when I’m around.  ADHD?  Karma?

From James Clear:

“Marrying well makes everything easier.”

“Charity can be a lifestyle, not merely a gift.

Read charitably. Give the author your most favorable interpretation.

Listen charitably. Donate your undivided attention.

Work charitably. Be generous with your expertise.

In this way, you make charity a daily habit.”


 ADHD and Marriage (

ADHD and Comorbidity

Note O the Day:  I first published this with the title of 988 instead of 998.  More of the same?


And another year passed.

ADHD Ain’t Easy

Aging is a booger.

Aging is a booger.

#ADHD, #adultADHD, @dougmkpdp,  @addstrategies, @adhdstrategies
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Combinations and ADHD Symptoms — ADHD Tip O the Day 997

I’ve been “putting off” doing this post for years now because it’s confusing to me.  But it’s time, now or never.

Ever wonder why we ADHDers look so much alike?-Procrastination, distraction, impulsive, etc, but also we can look so different.

Well, we can blame it on genetics; so many different genes can contribute to ADHD so there are many different possible combinations of different genes with somewhat different effects.

Or we can blame it on the DSM, which says we can one of three different types, and combinations of different symptoms, that will qualify us for the official diagnosis- out of 16 possible symptoms, 5 of hyperactive or 5 of inattentive required for adults (6 for children)(you  have the mixed type if you qualify for both types. We all have some hyperactive or some inattentive symptoms, and most of us have some of both)

Or we can blame it on statistics.  Statistics are a booger.


Below is the formula for calculating the number of possible different combinations of a number of items (such as the symptoms in a list.)

For either the hyper active or inattentive types, there are 4368 possible combinations  (IF I did it right)

C = n!/r! (n-r)!

n =total number   r = number of each group  ! means factorial   (4! = 1 x 2 x 3 x 4)

n = 16  r = 5  for our diagnosis

To summarize, there are 4368 different groups of symptoms that can meet the criteria for ADHD diagnosis.

I am so glad to finally get this post done.  I welcome any corrections or other comments.



Wisdom from James Clear


combinations and permutations

Personal Notes O the Day:

Just a few more of these blogs; ADHD Tip O the Day1000 will be the last.  I’m pulling the best of them together in the next ADHD book and I might occasionally post a tip on my facebook page.

It’s hard to cut out things I like to do so I can have some free time, and it’s hard not to immediately find new ways to fill up the free time.  Working 0n it.

Quote O the Day:

There are three kinds of people, those who can count and those who can’t.


Who, me?


I just retired!

See, math isn’t so hard.

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Taking It Easy? — ADHD Tip O the Day 996

An ADHD Strategy:

When you need to get something done but can’t dig up the energy, see if you can find an easy way out.

Here’s a bunch of quotes for today.

“Your first step is just that: the first of many steps. For so long I would stand still, afraid to move in any direction because I wasn’t sure which was the course I wanted to follow for the rest of my life. Finally, someone explained to me that my first steps did not necessarily determine one path for all my tomorrows. There would be more decisions, and more opportunities to make a shift should I need to do so.”

Writer Ashley C. Ford


“It is important to remember that the viciousness and wrongs of life stick out very plainly but that even at the worst times there is a great deal of goodness, kindness, and day-to-day decency that goes unnoticed and makes no headlines.”


I’m not gonna worry about it.


-and before I decided to slow down.

I’m taking it easy.

#ADHD, #adultADHD, @dougmkpdp,  @addstrategies, @adhdstrategies
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Pain and ADHD — ADHD Tip O the Day 995

We ADHDers tend to be hypersensitive. For example, to certain noises, to feelings of rejection, etc. So it makes sense that we might be hypersensitive to pain. I just wasn’t aware of this before. But I have had struggles with pain.

I’ve found the following helpful:

Alternating heat and cold.

CBD creams – very effective

tylenol plus ibuprofin.  (Cox 2 selective NSAIDs have lower 

 incidence of side effects, but expensive)

Bengay, Icey Hot, or other heating salves.  (caprision reported to have good effect)

Lidocaine patches

I was extremely reluctant to have back surgery but it was extremely successful. 

Epidural steroid injections, but only when I was younger.

Try to avoid narcotics except short term after surgery or injury.



Long study – we have more pain and more fatigue


Personal Notes O the Day:

I took a break after publishing Alma Means Soul, my first novel.   I’ve started writing again, partly because many days it’s too cold to fish.  My working title is Living Well with ADHD.  Suggestions are welcome.

I reluctantly and sadly plan to make Tip 1000 the last on this website.  I do not have the time and am pruning several activities.  I probably will post an occasional tip on my face book page.  I’m grateful for your support and participation over the years.



People are incredible.


#ADHD, #adultADHD, @dougmkpdp,  @addstrategies, @adhdstrategies



Who’s in charge here?

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Marriage/relationships and ADHD follow up — ADHD Tip O the Day 994

Relationships are very complicated, especially if someone has ADHD

I love pens.
I have a lot of pens.
My wife says I hoard pens.

She says I should go through all of my pens and throw away the ones that don’t work.

I have two to do lists, the short one of five, and the long one at 24.

Testing all of my pens and throwing out those that don’t work has not yet reached the level of importance to make it onto a to do list. For example, it can’t compete with the need to pay the taxes, to clean the aquarium, to set up my new fishing rod, to do my blog for the week, to write one of my children, or to vote.

But maybe someday.

My wife finds this hard to understand.



Strategies Of the Day:

  1. Set priorities
  2. Marry someone with patience, tolerance, and flexibility
  3. Share The ADHD Effect on Marriage, by Melov       Link

Quotes O the Day:

Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce (which has a very high rate if there’s ADHD).

Unknown Cynic

Love is state of temporary insanity, easily cured by marriage.


Links:  (clik on title, then on address)

Webinar on motivation Feb 9      

From Melov – emotions

Relationships and ADHD

ADHD and Other Kind of Relationships

The Challenge of Relationships


True Love Can Be Complicated by ADHD



A Complaint


From Secrets of a Successful Marriage


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Oh my! Life with an ADHDer.


#ADHD, #adultADHD, @dougmkpdp,  @addstrategies, @adhdstrategies


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New Year’s Resolutions — ADHD Tip O the Day 993

Belated Happy New Year to each of you (happy in spite of our ADHD).

I don’t like making resolutions; they just set me up for disappointment and shame.

But this year I made some:

  1. Lose weight (right, sure) and this time, keep it off (uh huh).
  2. Keep my blog posts short (but I have so much to say).
  3. Be nicer and more attentive to my wife ( I hope she doesn’t throw this back at me later).
  4. Relax more.  I don’t need pressure.

Personal Note O the Day:

I may have procrastinated a little on this one.


Goals and Failing

ADHD and Goals

ADHD and Self Esteem

Declutter Your Brain – free class


It’s Gotta Be Better!

More resolutions

And because you never know what’s going to happen.



I really meant to post this post in time.





#ADHD, #adultADHD, @dougmkpdp,  @addstrategies, @adhdstrategies
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An Important ADHD Strategy — ADHD Tip O the Day 992


Small steps explained ( I don’t think the recent review was adequate)

We have A Project to do.

We feel overwhelmed, not up to it, defeated before we start, and we procrastinate.

The strategy is Small Steps.  Break the project or task into small steps and focus on one at a time – basically forget about the project, just focus on the one step.  If it’s still too much, break that step into smaller steps and start over again.

Start with the logical first step, or with the hardest.  Once the hardest one is done, it won’t seem overwhelming anymore.

Any time you finish a small step, you feel empowered, successful, capable, and it’s easier to go on to the next step.

Success breeds success.



One step at a time

Get unstuck



#ADHD, #adultADHD, @dougmkpdp,  @addstrategies, @adhdstrategies




Just adjust.

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Were you waiting on me?

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Life with ADHD

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Three Most Important ADHD Principles —ADHD Tip O the Day 991

Enough Already!

New Year: time for a brief review

Three most important ADHD Principles:

  1. Identify a Problem, devise a strategy, make it a habit.

  2. Small steps.

  3. Do it now, do it right, do the hard part first. (After you break it into small steps.)

Have a great New Year – it’s gotta be better.



Identify A Problem

Small steps

Do the hard part first      

Free program- help to manage your time  Jan 3

Free Webinar – overwhelmed?  Jan 6 and Jan 8

Webinar on inattentive type ADHD   Jan 10


Note: A new Facebook ad says, “ADHD is hard to diagnose.”  I comment, ” ADHD is not hard to diagnose.”  They keep deleting my comment.  I missed a lot of ADHD diagnoses because I wasn’t looking for it, not because it’s hard to diagnose.

Enough already!

Let’s forget the past two years anyway.


Starting fresh


And another year passed.

#ADHD, #adultADHD, @dougmkpdp,  @addstrategies, @adhdstrategies



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Constructive Arguing— ADHD Tip O Day 990

Constructive Arguing:

Arguments are a normal and unavoidable part of almost all marriages (intimate relationships).  The trick is to make them productive instead of destructive, and to have them not too often nor too intensively, and to get over them fairly rapidly.  These principles will help achieve that.  They’re not easy to apply but with determined effort can become new habits.

The very best arguments start, “We have a problem that we need to work on so that we can find a solution that will work for both of us.” At best, this doesn’t ever actually become an argument.

  1. Keep on the topic, one topic at a time. – if your SO (significant other) says, “But you’re so selfish.”—, you might reply, “That may be so and we may need to discuss it, but right now we’re discussing —-.”
  2. Keep the focus on the present instance — not “You always—”, or “For years you have –”, but “When you did x this morning, —–“, instead of bringing up a list of past offenses.
  3. That is a good formula for bringing up issues : “I feel x when you y, because z”.  This is a bit artificial but well worth it.
  4. Avoid bringing up you SO’s family, unless that is the issue under consideration (Yes: “I do not want to go visit your mother with you this weekend.”  No: “You are acting just like your mother.”       No: “Your mother is a x, y, and z, and she’s ugly, too.”  In general, it’s best to avoid saying anything negative about any of your SO’s family; that’s your SO’s prerogative.
  5. Avoid name calling or labeling –lazy, stubborn, etc. instead, “I don’t like it when you—“ versus labeling it.
  6. Speak in paragraphs and not chapters. Try not to interrupt.
  7. Do not psychoanalyze your SO.
  8. Have an agreed upon safe word, to temporarily disengage if the discussion is getting too hot.  Use it before it gets too hot.

Relationships are difficult, and of course, more so with AHD.  Hope this helps.


Note of the Day:  The holidays stress relationships, so this may be good timing.  Hope you all had a great christmas or whatever and wish you the best of a new year- honestly, it looks shaky I fear.

Quotes O the Day:

I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.

I’m not arguing with you, I’m just trying to help you see why you’re wrong.


Living together with ADHD

How to Stop Losing Things with ADHD: 6 Expert Tips ( – this will reduce stress in your life and in your relationship

Perfectionism – is common with ADHD and also adds to the stress

#ADHD, #adultADHD, @dougmkpdp,  @addstrategies, @adhdstrategies

Marriage and ADHD. Even Possible?

Marital Conversations

An ADHD Marriage


Having a good argument

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messed up web site

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Marriage- Part Three — ADHD Tip O the Day 988

I need ADHD help! Now!

With ADHD , everything is much harder, especially relationships.

We disappoint, forget, let down. We get preoccupied, don’t finish, don’t get started.  We blurt out, do and say socially inappropriate things.  We run into things, knock things over, drop things. Whew!

Do you think we might be hard to live with? 

Out of date stero types:  man brings home the bacon, woman takes care of the house and raises the children, (all by herself).  This is changing and the men in recent generations do much better.  (Way to go, Will!)

If you got along well before marriage, that doesn’t mean you’ll get along well after marriage.  If you didn’t get along well before marriage, it’s highly unlikely you’ll get along well after.  If you marry thinking the person will change you may be right, but it’s unlikely to be for the better.

Once we end a marriage or relationship, we often find someone else who turns out to be pretty much like the one we just left, and we have the same problems.

If it bothers your partner, it is a problem even if it doesn’t make sense. You do not want your partner to be bothered.Try to remember to treat your partner with kindness and respect. Even when it is difficult.

Get counseling. A neutral third-party can be can make the difference.


Story O the Day:

TV show years ago: Host interviewing couple with many years of marriage, “What’s your secret?”

Husband:  “When we first married, we agreed that I would make the big decisions and she’d make the small decisions. We haven’t had any big decisions yet.”

Constructive arguing rules – very important.  “Plan” to post next time.

Three Quotes O the Day:

We’re all crazy, except me and you, and sometimes I’m not so sure about you.

The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing.

       Ann LamottThe only thing worse than being married is not being married.

Personal Notes O the Day:

It was actually my wife who suggested my first strategy, “Always put your keys on the front table,” which started off my understanding of and devising of strategies. She was tired of finding them for me.

If I did all the things I’m supposed to do for my health I’d have no time to do anything else.

Help!  Mrs. P is requesting suggestions for funny books, movies, etc.  Any suggestions would be welcome.


If you love me,–

“How RSD affects my marriage”

Is it possible?





The ADHD Mind



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Adult ADHD Revisited — ADHD Tip O the Day 987

My ADHD Brain at Rest

A break from the relationship posts, but more to come.

The Am. Psychiatric Assoc. is revising the DSM V, including the criteria for diagnosing ADHD.  Many changes are recommended.  The current criteria were written for children and tweaked to apply to adults.  The new edition, DSM V TR, is scheduled for release in March, 2022.

Using current criteria, research still shows about 8% of children have ADHD, half of whom no longer meet criteria after adolescence, but still have some symptoms and abnormal brain imaging and neurochemistry.  So we members are the tribe are different, but there are a lot of us, 4 % of the population.  If the criteria are changed, these numbers will probably change but I doubt if by much. 

The link below addresses the inadequacy of current criteria for adults and suggested changes.


Suggestions for  ADHD Criteria

Welcome to the new members to the tribe!


Other Links:


Adult ADHD

Comprehensive Review of ADHD in Adults


“No, I don’t like to put medicines into my body.”

-and before my ADHD medication.

Untreated ADHD










#ADHD, #adultADHD, @dougmkpdp,  @addstrategies, @adhdstrategies
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Marriage/Relationships? Part Two— ADHD Tip O the Day 986

Marriage part two

Throughout this series, I use “marriage” “to stand for “marriage and/or relationships.” I understand that marriage is becoming increasingly rare.

ADHD and marriage: 

Marriage is hard.  With ADHD it’s much harder, especially for the non ADHD partner.  Read Orlov’s book, The ADHD Effect On Marriage, and discuss it together.  How can your partner help you?  Problem solve and devise strategies together.

Effects of Marrying (or committing I guess?):

It’s amazing how many couples do well until they get married.

People are on their best behavior before marriage, then boom! Expectations and behaviors dramatically change.

In love, we project our image of the ideal mate onto the other, like putting a suit of clothes on a dummy.  When later we see the real person, we feel swindled, cheated, and resentful.,

We marry with expectations, and when they’re not met, we immediately think of divorce.  We did not expect that marriage would be hard work or that there would be conflicts.

An intimate relationship stirs up our old issues and gives us the opportunity to work them out. Or causes us to bail if we don’t know how to deal with conflicts.

Marriage counseling can be very helpful, and sometimes leads to individual therapy, which can be very helpful.  So can an ADHD coach.

Men and women are different. The stereotypes have variable accuracy but tend to be true.  If your partner doesn’t fit the stereotype, learn their style.

Understanding the different styles  gives you a foundation for learning how to have successful relationships.

Men tend to work on logic, competition, and problem-solving.  They retreat and think until they think they have a solution.Women tend to work on emotions and relationships. They express their thoughts to try them out.

Emotions are as valid as logic or facts. “I don’t want to” is a legitimate reason.  Do not try to refute emotions with facts. If she says, “You always do X,” don’t point out that you’ve only done it twice in the last ten years; she is expressing her reality.

She probably didn’t want advice; she just wanted you to listen. If you want advice, specifically ask for it before you tell him the problem.

Women usually have to teach a man how to be married, don’t expect him to know.

Safe Word:

This from Ram:  It is useful to agree on a safe word, and either person can use it to temporarily pause a conversation that is getting too hot.  But you need to agree to return to the conversation when things are cooler.

Surprise O the Day:

Marriage is hard work.  Most people expect automatic marital bliss.  Ha!

A Course in Relationships: these books will give you a huge advantage in having successful relationships.

Real: I Don’t Want to Talk About It – explains men. It’s about abused men, but he says all men in our culture are abused.

Lerner: The Dance of Anger – addressed to women, but appropriate for us all. Lerner has several other helpful books.

Tannen: You Just Don’t Understand – explains the differences in how men and women communicate.

Gray: Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus – explains the differences and how they cause many of our relationship problems.

again: Orlov: The ADHD Effect On Marriage


Marriage, relationships, and ADHD

Coming Next:

How to argue constructively


Quote O the Day:

The only thing worse than being married is not being married.


You’re getting married!!

Oh my!

A Complaint

ADHD Marriage

#ADHD, #adultADHD, @dougmkpdp,  @addstrategies, @adhdstrategies
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Marriage and Other Strange Relationships, Part 1 — ADHD Tip O the Day 985

Relationships are so complicated, even without ADHD, that this will take two or more posts.  And with ADHD – Whew!!

We marry with expectations of what our marriage will be like.  Generally, we expect our marriage to either be like our parents’ marriage or very unlike it.  These expectations need to be examined before the marriage, because they are likely very different for each partner..

I recommend the essential discussion before marriage, covering money, spare time, relatives, children, religion,  and sex.

Also, discuss how  decisions will be made and disagreements handled. Avoid the  zero sum game, where there’s a winner and a loser.  Instead, use a problem solving model – ‘How can we make this work for both of us?’

When it’s hot, stop.  Agree we will talk about this later, but just not right now.  Give it time to cool off, and then discuss it rather than just letting it go.

Many conflicts and arguments are simply a problem of communication.  Often a word doesn’t mean the same thing to us.  Ex: “Yes, I’m ready to go now” means something very different to my wife than to me. 

Another common source of conflict is both parties being sure their memories are accurate, although our memories are notoriously inaccurate.

It is common for a woman to marry a man, expecting to change him. Not a good idea.  It is common for a man to marry a woman, expecting to be pampered.  Not a good idea.

Quote O the Day:

“You can’t be married and be right.”

Frank Pitman MD

Note: In this series, I’m using “marriage” to mean both marriage and other relationships.  I’m aware that traditional marriage is becoming obsolete.

Follow up on How to Be Happy:

Never expect someone else to do what they’re supposed to do, should do, or said they would do. This will save you a lot of disappointment and yield  you an occasional happy surprise

Bonus Quote O the Day:

“Love is a state of temporary psychosis, easily cured by marriage.”



Orlov on Detachment

ADHD and Relationships

The Challenge of ADHD Relationships

Dr. Wm. Dodson on ADHD and Relationships

Personal Notes O the Day:

  1. Thank you to all the subscribers, and especially to those of you who contribute your comments.  So helpful.
  2. Thank you to Martha for sticking with me all these years in spite of my ADHD.


The wedding is only the beginning.

An ADHD Marriage

Marriage and ADHD. Even Possible?

Marital Conversations

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How to Be Happy — ADHD Tip O the Day 983

It can be hard to be happy, especially these days, and harder with ADHD.  But-

Affirmations:  Every morning, state, “I choose to be happy today.”

Learn  to cope with your ADHD.

Minimize contact with toxic people.

Help someone else.

Get outdoors.

Laugh a lot, even if you have to force it.

If you work, find a job that you enjoy.  This may take some time.  The pay, if adequate, may be less important.

If you have an actual depression, get treatment.  It is quite effective.

Practice basic self care: sleep, exercise, healthy eating, meditation.

Ask for help when you need it.

Counter negative self talk.

Set reasonable goals.

There are many other tips in the links below.  Try them. Find the ones that work for you.


Personal Notes O the Day:

  1. My father was a very simple man, with very simple wants.  All he wanted was a whole lot of money.
  2. FYI, I am happy.  Hope you are too.
  3. My spiritual life is an important happiness factor for me.
  4. Perception is an important tool.  You have some control over how you label or define a situation (see reframing.)


Be Happy – free course

25 Tips to be happy

10 Scientifically Proven Tips