Marriage part two
Throughout this series, I use “marriage” “to stand for “marriage and/or relationships.” I understand that marriage is becoming increasingly rare.
ADHD and marriage:
Marriage is hard. With ADHD it’s much harder, especially for the non ADHD partner. Read Orlov’s book, The ADHD Effect On Marriage, and discuss it together. How can your partner help you? Problem solve and devise strategies together.
Effects of Marrying (or committing I guess?):
It’s amazing how many couples do well until they get married.
People are on their best behavior before marriage, then boom! Expectations and behaviors dramatically change.
In love, we project our image of the ideal mate onto the other, like putting a suit of clothes on a dummy. When later we see the real person, we feel swindled, cheated, and resentful.,
We marry with expectations, and when they’re not met, we immediately think of divorce. We did not expect that marriage would be hard work or that there would be conflicts.
An intimate relationship stirs up our old issues and gives us the opportunity to work them out. Or causes us to bail if we don’t know how to deal with conflicts.
Marriage counseling can be very helpful, and sometimes leads to individual therapy, which can be very helpful. So can an ADHD coach.
Men and women are different. The stereotypes have variable accuracy but tend to be true. If your partner doesn’t fit the stereotype, learn their style.
Understanding the different styles gives you a foundation for learning how to have successful relationships.
Men tend to work on logic, competition, and problem-solving. They retreat and think until they think they have a solution.
Women tend to work on emotions and relationships. They express their thoughts to try them out.
Emotions are as valid as logic or facts. “I don’t want to” is a legitimate reason. Do not try to refute emotions with facts. If she says, “You always do X,” don’t point out that you’ve only done it twice in the last ten years; she is expressing her reality.
She probably didn’t want advice; she just wanted you to listen. If you want advice, specifically ask for it before you tell him the problem.
Women usually have to teach a man how to be married, don’t expect him to know.
Safe Word:
This from Ram: It is useful to agree on a safe word, and either person can use it to temporarily pause a conversation that is getting too hot. But you need to agree to return to the conversation when things are cooler.
Surprise O the Day:
Marriage is hard work. Most people expect automatic marital bliss. Ha!
A Course in Relationships: these books will give you a huge advantage in having successful relationships.
Real: I Don’t Want to Talk About It – explains men. It’s about abused men, but he says all men in our culture are abused.
Lerner: The Dance of Anger – addressed to women, but appropriate for us all. Lerner has several other helpful books.
Tannen: You Just Don’t Understand – explains the differences in how men and women communicate.
Gray: Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus – explains the differences and how they cause many of our relationship problems.
again: Orlov: The ADHD Effect On Marriage
Link:
Marriage, relationships, and ADHD
Coming Next:
How to argue constructively
doug
Quote O the Day:
The only thing worse than being married is not being married.

You’re getting married!!

Oh my!

A Complaint

ADHD Marriage
#ADHD, #adultADHD, @dougmkpdp, @addstrategies, @adhdstrategies
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I definitely recognise myself in the “not being able to keep the house clean & tidy” bit. I live in creative chaos. And when things get out of sight, they get out of mind. So books I’m reading and want to read, are piled everywhere. Projects and notebooks are always close by, too
But I also want to reply about the hyperactive bit. Because that’s something I had a discussion about with my psychiatrist back when I got diagnosed with ADHD (and Autism). And I asked him : “don’t you mean I have ADD? Because I’m not hyperactive”. And he pointed out, that hyperactivity doesn’t necessarily have to be shown Outwards. You can also be Hyperactive inside (mind & body). Feeling restless, have a racing mind. Which I found a very interesting argument. Because my biggest ADHD problem might just be my insanely busy brain. There is no brake or stop button. It just goes, full time and non stop


In reply to doug with ADHD.
I recognise what you mean with the flywheel, I think. It mostly shouts a list of tasks and projects I should be doing, and a list of things I really shouldn’t forget. Which makes sitting still very hard. Like you said, meditation has also helped me in the past. But for some reason I can just never stick with it. Even though I know it helps, I just can’t get myself to sit down and do it. Because *makes chaotic and dramatic arm gestures* “The things! All the things that need to be done!” xD
I also find it hard to finish things. Especially books or projects. Sometimes I can enjoy something so much, my Hyperfocus takes over (I have ADHD & Autism. My hyperfocus can be strong xD), and I finish it in no time. But a lot of the times I get bored, or something new distracts me. Which leads to reading 20 books at once, with usually about 3 or 4 actively (in turns), and about 20 craft projects. Also a few active ones. I struggle with it more, now that I’m trying to start up a small business. And having projects finished frequently (and on time) is kind of a must. So I hope I can work on it, by challenging myself (setting goals to make it interesting), and by taking my meds on time – every time.
Do you struggle with this too?
creatievecreatiesnl.wordpress.com
creatievecreaties@outlook.com
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i also share “If I can’t see it, it doesn’t exist.”
doug
Links: –
A Follow Up – How to recognize ADHD in girls
James Clear
I just started on meds, and—
Deficient Emotional Self-Regulation: ADHD Webinar
ADHD makes it hard to prioritize, make decisions, choose, select, not over extend, edit, and some other things too
#ADHD, #adultADHD, @dougmkpdp, @addstrategies, @adhdstrategies
ADHD Frantic!