Marriage part two
Throughout this series, I use “marriage” “to stand for “marriage and/or relationships.” I understand that marriage is becoming increasingly rare.
ADHD and marriage:
Marriage is hard. With ADHD it’s much harder, especially for the non ADHD partner. Read Orlov’s book, The ADHD Effect On Marriage, and discuss it together. How can your partner help you? Problem solve and devise strategies together.
Effects of Marrying (or committing I guess?):
It’s amazing how many couples do well until they get married.
People are on their best behavior before marriage, then boom! Expectations and behaviors dramatically change.
In love, we project our image of the ideal mate onto the other, like putting a suit of clothes on a dummy. When later we see the real person, we feel swindled, cheated, and resentful.,
We marry with expectations, and when they’re not met, we immediately think of divorce. We did not expect that marriage would be hard work or that there would be conflicts.
An intimate relationship stirs up our old issues and gives us the opportunity to work them out. Or causes us to bail if we don’t know how to deal with conflicts.
Marriage counseling can be very helpful, and sometimes leads to individual therapy, which can be very helpful. So can an ADHD coach.
Men and women are different. The stereotypes have variable accuracy but tend to be true. If your partner doesn’t fit the stereotype, learn their style.
Understanding the different styles gives you a foundation for learning how to have successful relationships.
Men tend to work on logic, competition, and problem-solving. They retreat and think until they think they have a solution.Women tend to work on emotions and relationships. They express their thoughts to try them out.
Emotions are as valid as logic or facts. “I don’t want to” is a legitimate reason. Do not try to refute emotions with facts. If she says, “You always do X,” don’t point out that you’ve only done it twice in the last ten years; she is expressing her reality.
She probably didn’t want advice; she just wanted you to listen. If you want advice, specifically ask for it before you tell him the problem.
Women usually have to teach a man how to be married, don’t expect him to know.
This from Ram: It is useful to agree on a safe word, and either person can use it to temporarily pause a conversation that is getting too hot. But you need to agree to return to the conversation when things are cooler.
Surprise O the Day:
Marriage is hard work. Most people expect automatic marital bliss. Ha!
A Course in Relationships: these books will give you a huge advantage in having successful relationships.
Real: I Don’t Want to Talk About It – explains men. It’s about abused men, but he says all men in our culture are abused.
Lerner: The Dance of Anger – addressed to women, but appropriate for us all. Lerner has several other helpful books.
Tannen: You Just Don’t Understand – explains the differences in how men and women communicate.
Gray: Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus – explains the differences and how they cause many of our relationship problems.
again: Orlov: The ADHD Effect On Marriage
Marriage, relationships, and ADHD
How to argue constructively
Quote O the Day:
The only thing worse than being married is not being married.
Hello Dr Puryear,
Thank you for this. I just love the fun things you add at the bottom.
I need to add humor into my life.
My husband has just become a Deacon in our church and he is often busy. Since he leans on me for the organizing of things, and I am going through menopause and just dx with ADHD 2 years ago, I really need some humor.
Some things out there are just not funny to me. Can you share some movies, or books or something that is not always on the internet? I find being online a lot is affecting my ADHD. So I am doing a 40 day internet fast for Advent.
Thanks. Oh, we just got a 12 week old boxer puppy. Haven’t had to train a puppy in almost 20 years. My brain keeps going into total overwhelm and I end up a mess and in tears when husband comes home. Your book and your section about strategies came to me in mass today. I am going to identify the problems and see what strategies I can come up with. My husband is very willing to help when he is available. Again….my need for laughter and fun is great, overwhelm with a puppy and menopause is a challenging right now.
Peace be with you, Dee
“Keep looking up, Someone cares.”
i found your comment moving. glad you like the posts and hope they are helpful. wishing you good luck on the strategies. a reminder- they are usually most effective if you only work on one or two at at time.
i’m sorry i havent come up with any funny things for you. i’m concerned because my sense of humor is a little weird and my tastes might not be yours. i will ask our tribe members for suggestions, so follow the comments.
4o day fast! wow! i do that once a week or so for one, or occasionally three days. its hard but rewarding. good luck
thank you for contributing.
Nice post, Doug!
Relationships are daunting to me. I don’t really socialize (outside my usual group that’s scatteres all over Europe), so I haven’t had one in YEARS, but up until my early 20’s, I had regular teenager/young adult flings that never lasted very long and usually ended up with me exploding in the poor guy’s face and dumping him in a fit of rage – and while I never really regretted it (because each of those relationships was doomed for bigger reasons), it certainly made a lot more sense when I was diagnosed with ADHD in my early 30’s.
And that different attitude between men and women is sadly spot on, although there’s obviously always room for exceptions. Like one of my sisters, who won’t listen to me vent without trying to have me break down my “problem” for her to solve it.
It reminded me of this very funny clip of “Modern Family” that is spot on! Have a go! 🙂
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ram-you understand about ADHD and relationships, it’s rough. thanks for the clip, i didn’t find it as funny as it’s making clear that kind of relationship problem. i think it could be very helpful to some people,presumably male, and your sister maybe?
as always, thank you for your contributions.
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Well, that’s too bad. I like the clip exactly because it shows so well that kind of situation and how frustrating how it can be. And I like to get a good laugh at myself whenever possible. I know you frown upon that sometimes, but I think it’s a cultural thing: I’m portuguese and we all enjoy laughing at ourselves (unless it’s someone else making fun of us, that is.)
i hope i wasn’t unclear; I do like the clip. And I agree that the ability to laugh at ourselves is helpful, as long is is done with affection and acceptance, and not derogatory.
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