Marriage part two
Throughout this series, I use “marriage” “to stand for “marriage and/or relationships.” I understand that marriage is becoming increasingly rare.
ADHD and marriage:
Marriage is hard. With ADHD it’s much harder, especially for the non ADHD partner. Read Orlov’s book, The ADHD Effect On Marriage, and discuss it together. How can your partner help you? Problem solve and devise strategies together.
Effects of Marrying (or committing I guess?):
It’s amazing how many couples do well until they get married.
People are on their best behavior before marriage, then boom! Expectations and behaviors dramatically change.
In love, we project our image of the ideal mate onto the other, like putting a suit of clothes on a dummy. When later we see the real person, we feel swindled, cheated, and resentful.,
We marry with expectations, and when they’re not met, we immediately think of divorce. We did not expect that marriage would be hard work or that there would be conflicts.
An intimate relationship stirs up our old issues and gives us the opportunity to work them out. Or causes us to bail if we don’t know how to deal with conflicts.
Marriage counseling can be very helpful, and sometimes leads to individual therapy, which can be very helpful. So can an ADHD coach.
Men and women are different. The stereotypes have variable accuracy but tend to be true. If your partner doesn’t fit the stereotype, learn their style.
Understanding the different styles gives you a foundation for learning how to have successful relationships.
Men tend to work on logic, competition, and problem-solving. They retreat and think until they think they have a solution.Women tend to work on emotions and relationships. They express their thoughts to try them out.
Emotions are as valid as logic or facts. “I don’t want to” is a legitimate reason. Do not try to refute emotions with facts. If she says, “You always do X,” don’t point out that you’ve only done it twice in the last ten years; she is expressing her reality.
She probably didn’t want advice; she just wanted you to listen. If you want advice, specifically ask for it before you tell him the problem.
Women usually have to teach a man how to be married, don’t expect him to know.
This from Ram: It is useful to agree on a safe word, and either person can use it to temporarily pause a conversation that is getting too hot. But you need to agree to return to the conversation when things are cooler.
Surprise O the Day:
Marriage is hard work. Most people expect automatic marital bliss. Ha!
A Course in Relationships: these books will give you a huge advantage in having successful relationships.
Real: I Don’t Want to Talk About It – explains men. It’s about abused men, but he says all men in our culture are abused.
Lerner: The Dance of Anger – addressed to women, but appropriate for us all. Lerner has several other helpful books.
Tannen: You Just Don’t Understand – explains the differences in how men and women communicate.
Gray: Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus – explains the differences and how they cause many of our relationship problems.
again: Orlov: The ADHD Effect On Marriage
How to argue constructively
Quote O the Day:
The only thing worse than being married is not being married.